Again a large absence from YouTube.  Perhaps again another disappointed audience.  I’m just not finding it as energizing anymore.  Sure, I found another lunatic online representing who they are and what they do as one thing and it turned out to be yet again the same tale of Narcissus and his whoring for attention and quick cash.  At the end of the day though it’s always the same story.  Always the same characters.  Always the same motivations.  Occaionsally the outcome is good and the guilty get punished, most of the time the continue to roam the landscape scott-free, not even so much as a slap on the wrist.

In between keeping a glance in that realm, I’ve been busting my ass to stay in shape mentally and physically.  It’s been like staring into a portal through time, seeing where I was at just sitting in a dusty near closet sized bedroom doing exactly the same thing over and over with no real plans for a future or a life that was meaningful in any way shape or form.  At that time I had nothing really to worry about, my family was more than willing to continue taking care of me in certain aspects but when you finally leave that “roost” and you earn your food, your own shelter, your own keep you start to change and you change fast.

Your tolerance for bullshit sinks like a boat with holes in the hull.  Your anxieties increase from a huge increase of self expectation and outside influence (at least in my case, I’m aware everyone is different).  Things that at one time were the most important hemispheres of your life are dimly empty stage houses now.  No seats occupied except for yours, the show having long been over.  And right there, thats where I am now.

It’s weird.  Just sitting here typing all of this up impacts this even more to me.  Times change, and then you change with them if you’re able to hold on and stay strong.  I know what I want out my life.  Every single day for the last several weeks I’ve been working at it more and more.  Its time to get that goal. It’s right in front of me.